Question
I am at my wits' end with an interfering mother-in-law. She lives next door to us, she thinks my 43 year old husband is four, she is involved in all aspects of his life - and hence in mine too. She knows how much money we owe, the amount of each bill we receive, how we spend what we have. I know that most of the problem lies in the fact that my husband still tells her everything. I also know that she has our best interests at heart. But sometimes I feel like banging my head off a wall.
My husband thinks it's a great help to us that she is there for occasional baby-sitting etc. and I am glad of that help when it is needed. The flip side is that I have to allow her into other aspects of our life. That turns out to be far more expensive than any child-minder. How do I handle this without falling out with everybody? I don't want to cause any problems for my husband either. My mother in law is a very strong character.
Answer
The person who has you ready to bang your head off a wall is not your mother in law. It's your husband. And she's not interfering - for that implies walking in when you are most definitely not invited. Your husband is inviting her in. He's appealing to her as a mother to listen to his stories. And she's submitting to the seduction. She doesn't know things because she opens your envelopes. She knows them because your husband tells her. Certainly she may ask. But that's what you do, when someone regularly tells you things, you ask. It's the currency of their relationship. Of course is she were wiser, she wouldn't play the game. But, truly, he's the one you have to tackle.
And what do you mean when you say that you don't want to cause your husband any problems? He is the problem. No, you don't have to fall out with him. You do have to tell him how you feel. More importantly, you have to lay responsibility squarely at his feet, which is where it belongs. At the moment you're using your mother in law as a scapegoat. When you talk to your husband, you refer to her as interfering, as if she were the one at fault. Like I said, she's not being wise. But it's your husband who is telling tales.
It is hard to change the habitual conversation we have with those we love. It's hard, in short, to break a habit. On top of that, your husband doesn't see the need to change. He's happy having his mother know your financial arrangements. Is it possible, then, that you're being over-sensitive? Is this a woman-on-woman power struggle, rather than an actual issue in itself, a question of feeling that your husband isn't being loyal to you, the sense that he's tied to his mother's apron strings, rather than being your man? Would it be a good idea, maybe, to tell him you feel vulnerable? Could you ask him, for your sake, to tone down the intimacy with his mum? Instead of accusing him of behaving like a child, could you ask him to stop, for your sake, not because what he's doing is wrong, but because it makes you so unhappy?
