Question
After 25 years of marriage to a workaholic, I find myself in total despair, with little hope and no light at the end of the tunnel. His involvement in the marriage begins and ends with being a good provider, doing the garden, playing golf, and getting lost in any sport shown on TV.
We tried counselling last year. One month into it, I discovered he had purchased a second SIM card to contact an old girlfriend. Totally unaware of his mistake, he rang me on this new number and had to own up. He couldn't give me a reason, but when I pushed him, he said it was sexual. Counselling continued, I really believed we could get a quick fix, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. I was advised to be nice to myself, joined a gym, and get to it when I can. I do enjoy it. I also joined a walking club.
We run a business together. It should be a partnership but he undermines me, overriding some of my decisions, criticising me to the point where I sometimes feel totally useless. My husband is a perfectionist and doesn't accept anything less. And during a recent scare with high blood pressure and a potential heart condition, I received no emotional support from him. I really resented this as I truly love him. I couldn't cope with my thoughts, the phone saga, and the lack of support and am now on anti-depressants, which help.
I have learned that my husband's childhood was quite rigid and his parents were not affectionate. I really try to understand this, but my mind keeps telling me that we are now adults and the past is the past, we cannot change it. On the positive side, we have three fantastic children. My life would not have been complete without them. I work full-time in the business, do all the housework, am responsible for everything in relation to the children - I could go on.
I am told communication is one of our problems, I have tried to open up, but my husband says he's not able to. I go on for a while, thinking all is OK, then it all looks bleak again – no nights out, no thanks, no appreciation of what we have on his part. I try to be upbeat, he drags me back down again, the cycle continues. And yes, I know, I allow it all to happen. But how to change?
Answer
Your husband isn't a perfectionist, he's a bully. Your problem is not lack of communication, it's your failure to tackle the bullying. Think about it. He's so used to dismissing your feelings that when you ask him what the secret SIM card was really all about he says 'sex'. Imagine being so bold-faced.
I am sure you do love him. It's not love, however, that has you submitting to his unkindness. It's a mixture of low self-esteem, fear of being abandoned, and the sheer exhaustion of having to battle on a daily basis - all resulting in a desperate desire to avoid confrontation. And now you're on anti-depressants, perhaps a necessary crutch, but no long-term solution.
To cut to the chase, there is no way of knowing the ultimate outcome of your relationship. There are no guarantees. But then, there never are, in any relationship. The sweetest, most compliant wife, can still lose her husband. That's because there are always two of you in it. It's not just down to any one person. All any of us can do is quietly, but firmly, insist on being treated with respect. Because without respect, no decent relationship is possible anyway. I don't know if your husband loves you. He certainly doesn't show respect. Put bluntly, he has to learn manners.
It's sometimes easier to start with non-emotional issues. You could walk away when he criticises you in the context of business. Or tell him to stuff it, not engaging in a huge row which will only drain your energy, but just saying it, and then continuing with whatever you're doing. You could refuse to be over-ruled, again not wasting energy in a row, but just by being dogged. It can begin in simple things, like how to handle a phone-call to a client, or whatever.
You could also just go out and hire help with house-work, whatever it costs. If you're working full-time and have the responsibility of the children, then you shouldn't have to lift a finger on the home-front. You should have the nearest thing to a house-keeper that you can find. Buy good-quality ready made meals. Take the children and yourself out regularly to decent restaurants. Have the shopping done for you. Do you understand? Being nice to yourself is not just about taking on some pleasurable past-time, over and above. It's about reducing your work load.
Emotional support is essential. Put your energy into finding it with friends. And save yourself the draining effort of dragging a switched-off husband to any form of counselling. Stop talking, in fact. Start taking action instead. It's a far more effective means of communication – and the only one a bully understands.
