Patricia Redlich

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My Wife's Family Won't Help

Question
Why are my wife's relatives afraid of her? We've been married 21 years, have a wonderful home, and three great daughters. About two months ago, my wife told me that she didn't love me anymore. I've asked her all the questions - why, what have I done, what can I do differently, has she met someone new - but she gives no answers. She has been on a strict diet for the past year and I don't know if that has anything to do with it. She has also been drinking a lot, starting in the early afternoon. The last two months have been really tough.
I have spoken to her family and they seem to take my side. As a result, they haven't talked to my wife as much as they used to and she's blaming me. That, of course, doesn't help. What I needed was for them to try and talk to her about what's going on and how we can fix our marriage. Instead, they've backed away.
I know there are two sides to every story. I just wish my wife would tell me her side so that we could move on. I just don't know what to think anymore.

Answer
It was rather naïve, if not indeed downright foolish, to expect your wife's family to intervene in your marital difficulties. They may well be very much on your side. They may well see serious problems in your wife's behaviour - perhaps even know things you don't know like, for example, the possibility that your wife has a drink problem, or that she has, indeed, met someone else. No, I'm not saying any of this has happened. I'm saying that outsiders often see more than the couple themselves.

But it is one thing to see, or understand, or even take sides. It's another thing entirely to intervene. Put another way, few families would move against their own daughter or sister. Even if she's seriously in the wrong, they'll still be on her side emotionally. On top of that, nobody likes to interfere in a marriage. Like you said, there are always two sides.

What you're really looking for is someone who will solve your problem for you. Nobody can do that. You have a wife who says she doesn't love you and won't discuss the issue. You're an adult. You have to deal with it. That may involve waiting for developments, because sometimes patience is the only route. You could, perhaps, be more confrontational - and no, I don't mean rows or any kind of emotional or physical violence. I mean systematically trying to engage your wife in conversation rather than backing off when you don't get an immediate answer. You could go see a counsellor about your own issues. Or monitor more carefully what your wife is actually doing. For example, she could be having some emotional difficulties which she's handling inappropriately with drink. She could be depressed. The point is you don't know.

My impression is that you've largely backed off, hoping for outside help at best. There's just too much you don't know about your wife. Try and get close and find out.
 
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