26th April, 2009
Question
I recently quit drinking alcohol - late last summer to be precise. For the past ten years I had been getting progressively worse. Towards the end I was blacking out every time I drank. One morning, after doing some petty stupid stuff while drunk, I decided this was it. I haven't had a drink since. I quit smoking after Christmas. And I recently made a career change with a move to a new company, beating off stiff competition. So you could say I had quite a few changes going on.
My husband, however, drinks every day, but doesn't get drunk. He also continues to smoke. At first this didn't bother me, but over the months it really began to irk me. I felt lonely, left out, pissed off. So, before I knew what was happening, I ended up starting what I would call an emotional affair. I met the man early in December, and saw him as my soul mate. He lives several hours away, but we've managed to see each other reasonably regularly. Last time we met we ended up turning it into a physical affair.
I am so confused right now about what to do. I have been so depressed and am having a hard time getting out of bed. I feel I have so much going on. But maybe the worst thing is that I am not feeling as guilty as I should for doing what I did. I have been with my husband 15 years and never ever cheated until last month. What is going on with me?
Answer
Two things are happening. You're discovering that there's more to kicking the alcohol habit than giving up the booze. And you're experiencing the harsh reality of trying to end addiction on your own.
I hope you're not offended that I talk of addiction, but there's no point in pussy-footing around reality. You're a recovering alcoholic. That's not a put-down. I'm saluting your bravery, and also saying that you shouldn't be surprised at your emotional derailment. This is a big deal.
Let's talk about your marriage first. Where was it over the past 10 years or more? Where was your husband? Where were you? Did he like you drinking? Did you row about it? Did he try to control you, or drink with you, or withdraw in anger and helplessness? Did you hide it from him, dismiss any attempt he made to talk about it, or shout him into silence? Did you tell him you felt anxious, afraid, angry, lonely, shut off? All I have are the clues you gave in your description of the way you gave up drinking. You didn't ask your husband for help. You didn't expect to get any. And in the first few months of sobriety, you didn't even really register that he continued his drinking routine, apparently oblivious to the sea-change you were going through. Doesn't it seem that your marriage - in terms of an emotional relationship - sort of disappeared somewhere in your drinking?
I'm saying this for a simple reason, and it has nothing whatsoever to do with any blame-game. Life will be full of continuing emotional pitfalls, not to mention the confusion you so clearly articulate, until you figure out your pattern of emotional responses. Are you someone who shuts others out? Do you reject all help? Do you hide from emotional intimacy? Do you avoid conflict, have difficulty acknowledging anger, or bully your way through rows? What moves did you make during your 13 years of marriage? Who are you, in psychological terms?
I can see that you still think like a victim. Despite all the wonderful and hugely courageous steps you have taken, you still don't see yourself as powerful, still don't feel in charge of your own life. Look at how you tell me about the man you've met. Before you knew what was happening, you say, you'd started an emotional affair. It happened, outside your conscious control. And not because you found someone you liked, but because you felt lonely, left out and pissed off at your husband. That's the language of all victims, all addicts. They never speak of personal choice, let alone personal responsibility. And no, I'm not beating you up, just trying to help you onto safer ground.
The reason you feel confused is simple. You still don't feel in charge of your life. That's because you are still very out of touch with your feelings. I hear nothing of anger, or sadness, or joy, or proper pride in yourself. You neither salute your achievements nor mourn your loss of at last ten years of your life. So how could you possibly feel guilty?
Yes, I know you've told me that you've met your soul-mate. My concern is that this is somehow missing the point. Think about it. You were sober, cigarette-less and had a new job. You had made giant strides. Your husband, however, was out-of-touch. Wasn't that an opportunity for the new you to speak, challenge, engage in a dialogue? Instead, in a very real way, you simply ran away - again. Last time it was alcohol. This time it's a soul-mate. Can you see at all where I'm coming from?
You have a lot of emotional homework to do. Would you not consider getting some help? You are such a brave woman. Think about seeing an alcohol counsellor, or go to ANEW who support specifically women who have battled with alcohol, or Alcoholics Anonymous?
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Disillusioned With Life And Very Anxious
19th April 2009
Question
I've been seeing a therapist for over two years now. As a 30-year old man, I have become disillusioned with life, feel very low, and find it hard to communicate without severe anxiety. I am beginning to despise myself - and I have no idea why.
I even feel a fraud in my good job that I worked so hard to train for. I have recently been promoted to a leadership role, but now have this idea that some men are not meant to lead, and that I am just a follower. But despite improving my diet, doing exercise and attending therapy, I cannot find the underlying reason for all these negative feelings.
I am totally open and honest with the therapist, and am willing to address all issues, or try anything, but am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the loneliness and isolation. What more can I do?
Answer
People shut down their involvement with the world when they are trying to bury rage. That rage is the result of an emotional wound. It is a terrifying mix of pain, helplessness and anger. It threatens to overwhelm us. So we batten down the hatches.
Disengaging from the world is a subtle, but all-pervasive process. Look at what you're telling me. You don't just feel lonely and isolated. Your disconnection is now affecting even something concrete like the career position you worked so hard to achieve. Added to your absence of joy is now an absence of any sense of achievement. That's a serious shut-down isn't it?
There is, however, something positive going on. Working its way up through all that disillusion and disengagement is an angry attitude to yourself. Yes, you talk in terms of despising yourself. And no, that's not pleasant. Nor is it appropriate, since you have no reason to despise yourself, or in any way be angry with yourself. But strange as it might sound, feeling angry, in whatever form, is progress. Hiding in depression seemed the only way your vulnerable psyche could manage until now. So any glimpse of that anger means you're slowly getting stronger.
Yes, it gets harder before it gets easier. That's because therapy involves dismantling our protective emotional shield. How else can light be shed on the truth? And of course you need to be careful. You need to recognise the fact that anger at yourself is just a first tentative step, an apparently safe way to feel your anger. It's still an emotional red herring. As you become psychologically more sure-footed, your anger will slowly shift onto the real cause of your emotional pain. No, I don't know the cause. I just know there is a cause.
Obviously you need to discuss all this with your therapist. It's very important you don't stay stuck on the step of self-dislike. You are a good man, working hard to get it right. Respect that. Your psyche is being as brave as it can be. Admire that. You have such huge courage. Acknowledge that.You're on the road to discovery, and joy. Believe that.
Question
I've been seeing a therapist for over two years now. As a 30-year old man, I have become disillusioned with life, feel very low, and find it hard to communicate without severe anxiety. I am beginning to despise myself - and I have no idea why.
I even feel a fraud in my good job that I worked so hard to train for. I have recently been promoted to a leadership role, but now have this idea that some men are not meant to lead, and that I am just a follower. But despite improving my diet, doing exercise and attending therapy, I cannot find the underlying reason for all these negative feelings.
I am totally open and honest with the therapist, and am willing to address all issues, or try anything, but am finding it increasingly difficult to deal with the loneliness and isolation. What more can I do?
Answer
People shut down their involvement with the world when they are trying to bury rage. That rage is the result of an emotional wound. It is a terrifying mix of pain, helplessness and anger. It threatens to overwhelm us. So we batten down the hatches.
Disengaging from the world is a subtle, but all-pervasive process. Look at what you're telling me. You don't just feel lonely and isolated. Your disconnection is now affecting even something concrete like the career position you worked so hard to achieve. Added to your absence of joy is now an absence of any sense of achievement. That's a serious shut-down isn't it?
There is, however, something positive going on. Working its way up through all that disillusion and disengagement is an angry attitude to yourself. Yes, you talk in terms of despising yourself. And no, that's not pleasant. Nor is it appropriate, since you have no reason to despise yourself, or in any way be angry with yourself. But strange as it might sound, feeling angry, in whatever form, is progress. Hiding in depression seemed the only way your vulnerable psyche could manage until now. So any glimpse of that anger means you're slowly getting stronger.
Yes, it gets harder before it gets easier. That's because therapy involves dismantling our protective emotional shield. How else can light be shed on the truth? And of course you need to be careful. You need to recognise the fact that anger at yourself is just a first tentative step, an apparently safe way to feel your anger. It's still an emotional red herring. As you become psychologically more sure-footed, your anger will slowly shift onto the real cause of your emotional pain. No, I don't know the cause. I just know there is a cause.
Obviously you need to discuss all this with your therapist. It's very important you don't stay stuck on the step of self-dislike. You are a good man, working hard to get it right. Respect that. Your psyche is being as brave as it can be. Admire that. You have such huge courage. Acknowledge that.You're on the road to discovery, and joy. Believe that.
Caught Between Motherhood And A Career
Question
I'm 44 and have three healthy children, all under 12 and all very precious to me. We would have liked another one, but due to fertility problems this did not work out, leaving me feeling very cheated and my partner feeling very guilty.
The last few months I feel 'different'. I feel stressed a lot of the time, and anxious, especially at night. I am often awake for hours feeling really tense and vulnerable. My son will start secondary school in September and I spend restless hours wondering will he settle, is it the right school for him, will he make new friends. I actually hate the thought of him going to ‘big' school as I feel it's the beginning of the end of his childhood with me.
I work full-time, sometimes have to travel, and can never sleep when I have an early start, or an over-night stay. This leaves me wrecked for the week. I have a good job and have worked right throughout my marriage. But I feel that at 43 I have had enough, enough pressure, enough business plans, enough running and racing. I was very interested in my career before my children were born, but now I just want a job - and not a full-time one, just a few hours a day so I can have some money for myself. Basically I want to be left with enough energy to cook nice dinners, help with homework and be in good form when my kids come home.
My family keep reminding me of the recession and the importance of hanging onto my good job. I can, however, reduce my hours without any fear of losing my job. But I almost feel guilty about it. I believe people look at you in a different way when you work less, almost as if you're doing something illegal by going home early. And I know, of course, that in my organisation - and in most companies - you are 'written off' when you reduce your working hours, so I hope this won't make me feel bad about myself.
I suppose I feel I'm entering a new phase in my life. No more babies, which is a huge disappointment. I almost feel like the best part of my life is over and that leaves me a bit down. My eldest already has the teenage ‘attitude' which sometimes hurts and upsets me. My parents are elderly and frail. And I feel stuck between being a good mother and a good employee.
Do some people hate change? Is this a mid-life crisis? How do I stop feeling so anxious? I'm scared of change and can't make a decision. Can you encourage me to do what I want to do, which is to be honest with my boss, reduce my hours, and have more fun.
Answer
Why would you feel cheated because you hadn't got a fourth child? And why on earth would your husband feel guilty? Yes, I know, he's probably shooting blanks. But he didn't deliberately destroy his sperm to spite you, now did he? So why the blame game? It's not just fear of change you're fighting. It's a pattern of discontent.
No, this is not a side issue. It's the main story-line. Look at your attitude to your eldest starting school. You're fretting nights away, primarily because you hate what you see as the end of a particular kind of mothering. Couldn't you be thrilled to have reared him safely so far? Your challenge, in other words, is to start seeing the proverbial glass half full rather than half empty. Until you meet that challenge, nothing will work, you'll never feel emotionally safe, and happiness will always elude you.
You actually know that yourself. You want to cut back your working hours. What hampers you is the fear that you'll feel second-class on the job, and hence suffer. The point you're missing is that you have a choice as to how you'll feel if you work less. Certainly, your status on the job will change. What you'll gain, however, is a much better work-life balance. More importantly, you'll be doing what you want to do, which is the greatest bonus of all.
Looking at the downside of life is a form of victim status, a habitual perception of yourself as short-changed. Sleepless nights, anxiety, difficulties making decisions, and just plain unhappiness is the obvious product of feeling put-upon. Less obvious is the anger. That anger is a rage against discomfort, a profound reluctance to pay the price which life demands, a fury about reality. You're sad about your son becoming a teenager, and somewhat distant. But you only have that sadness because you had his childhood - the price life demands. And no, I am most certainly not blaming you, or criticising you, or in any way saying that you're awful. We all have such battles with our souls.
How wonderful that you are so in touch with your feelings. How great it is to recognise that you want to do things differently, while so many of the rest of us stay stuck in our stress, unable to see what's really wrong with us. You don't believe in suffering needlessly. You want things to be nice. And you have options. Think of all the men who simply had to stick it out because they were the sole breadwinners.
Celebrate your freedom to make choices. Be the happy woman who has time for her teenage children - who need you, in many ways, far more than when they were younger. And let your husband off the hook of guilt. Tell him how blessed you feel to have your precious children, and him.
I'm 44 and have three healthy children, all under 12 and all very precious to me. We would have liked another one, but due to fertility problems this did not work out, leaving me feeling very cheated and my partner feeling very guilty.
The last few months I feel 'different'. I feel stressed a lot of the time, and anxious, especially at night. I am often awake for hours feeling really tense and vulnerable. My son will start secondary school in September and I spend restless hours wondering will he settle, is it the right school for him, will he make new friends. I actually hate the thought of him going to ‘big' school as I feel it's the beginning of the end of his childhood with me.
I work full-time, sometimes have to travel, and can never sleep when I have an early start, or an over-night stay. This leaves me wrecked for the week. I have a good job and have worked right throughout my marriage. But I feel that at 43 I have had enough, enough pressure, enough business plans, enough running and racing. I was very interested in my career before my children were born, but now I just want a job - and not a full-time one, just a few hours a day so I can have some money for myself. Basically I want to be left with enough energy to cook nice dinners, help with homework and be in good form when my kids come home.
My family keep reminding me of the recession and the importance of hanging onto my good job. I can, however, reduce my hours without any fear of losing my job. But I almost feel guilty about it. I believe people look at you in a different way when you work less, almost as if you're doing something illegal by going home early. And I know, of course, that in my organisation - and in most companies - you are 'written off' when you reduce your working hours, so I hope this won't make me feel bad about myself.
I suppose I feel I'm entering a new phase in my life. No more babies, which is a huge disappointment. I almost feel like the best part of my life is over and that leaves me a bit down. My eldest already has the teenage ‘attitude' which sometimes hurts and upsets me. My parents are elderly and frail. And I feel stuck between being a good mother and a good employee.
Do some people hate change? Is this a mid-life crisis? How do I stop feeling so anxious? I'm scared of change and can't make a decision. Can you encourage me to do what I want to do, which is to be honest with my boss, reduce my hours, and have more fun.
Answer
Why would you feel cheated because you hadn't got a fourth child? And why on earth would your husband feel guilty? Yes, I know, he's probably shooting blanks. But he didn't deliberately destroy his sperm to spite you, now did he? So why the blame game? It's not just fear of change you're fighting. It's a pattern of discontent.
No, this is not a side issue. It's the main story-line. Look at your attitude to your eldest starting school. You're fretting nights away, primarily because you hate what you see as the end of a particular kind of mothering. Couldn't you be thrilled to have reared him safely so far? Your challenge, in other words, is to start seeing the proverbial glass half full rather than half empty. Until you meet that challenge, nothing will work, you'll never feel emotionally safe, and happiness will always elude you.
You actually know that yourself. You want to cut back your working hours. What hampers you is the fear that you'll feel second-class on the job, and hence suffer. The point you're missing is that you have a choice as to how you'll feel if you work less. Certainly, your status on the job will change. What you'll gain, however, is a much better work-life balance. More importantly, you'll be doing what you want to do, which is the greatest bonus of all.
Looking at the downside of life is a form of victim status, a habitual perception of yourself as short-changed. Sleepless nights, anxiety, difficulties making decisions, and just plain unhappiness is the obvious product of feeling put-upon. Less obvious is the anger. That anger is a rage against discomfort, a profound reluctance to pay the price which life demands, a fury about reality. You're sad about your son becoming a teenager, and somewhat distant. But you only have that sadness because you had his childhood - the price life demands. And no, I am most certainly not blaming you, or criticising you, or in any way saying that you're awful. We all have such battles with our souls.
How wonderful that you are so in touch with your feelings. How great it is to recognise that you want to do things differently, while so many of the rest of us stay stuck in our stress, unable to see what's really wrong with us. You don't believe in suffering needlessly. You want things to be nice. And you have options. Think of all the men who simply had to stick it out because they were the sole breadwinners.
Celebrate your freedom to make choices. Be the happy woman who has time for her teenage children - who need you, in many ways, far more than when they were younger. And let your husband off the hook of guilt. Tell him how blessed you feel to have your precious children, and him.
Watching Porn Has Become An Obsession
Question
I am a 19 year old college student. I have never had sex, but I spend hours watching porn. I have been trying to stop it but I cannot last more than a week. I usually masturbate while watching the porn videos. I want to gain control over the amount I watch, but I don't know how.
Answer
What you're asking me isn't actually about porn videos. Nor is it about masturbation. What you want is a life lesson on the secret of self-control. That's just another way of asking about how to break a habit. Moralists might call it a question of character.
It helps to understand that the brain is hard-wired for habit formation. Say, for example, you had no habit pattern about getting out of bed. You would have to decide whether to look at the clock or not, switch off the alarm or not, pull back the duvet first, or not, put one foot or two on the ground - I won't go on, you get the picture. And that's just the practical bits. Imagine if the birdsong or traffic noise outside was just as relevant to you as the alarm clock, or your mother's voice calling. The point is, habits are not just about what we do. Habits are also about prioritising. You'd forget the video, not to mention the masturbation, if the house went on fire.
This is all by way of saying that habits are necessary for survival. They are also necessary for sanity. Faced with all the choices all the time and we'd be immobilised, mind and body. Why this is relevant to your question is simple. Habits are formidable opponents, when we wish to change. That is particularly true when they are pleasurable. It take determination, effort, patience, endurance, and the upbeat capacity to try again when our efforts fail, as they almost invariably will when we're just beginning the battle, or suffer stress, or get too sure of ourselves and think we no longer have to try.
The rules are simple. Find enjoyable things to do with your time, which helps fill in the gaps and makes you more cheerful. Take up some hard physical activity, which creates the ‘happy hormones' in the brain and gives you a better mind/body balance or harmony. Lose the loner status, which I think is lurking in the background somewhere, since viewing lots of porn is usually a lonely preoccupation. If it didn't sound unkind, I'd say try and get a life. What I mean, and it carries no unkindness whatsoever, is that long hours of porn means a person is unhappy and somewhat lost.
Specify an alternative behaviour which you'll use as a substitute when you're tempted to reach for the porn. And tackle the habit at an early stage in the chain of events. In this case, go out for a drink, or meet pals at the cinema or help your mother in the kitchen, or whatever, when you're tempted to search for the porn site on the computer - or whichever way you view it.
Finally, I believe cold turkey is easier than controlled behaviour - like giving up the booze rather than trying to limit the number of pints. But that depends, amongst other things, on why you want to change. Do you dislike the whole notion of porn? Or are you worried that you using it as a substitute for love and companionship and fun and friendship? Think about it.
I am a 19 year old college student. I have never had sex, but I spend hours watching porn. I have been trying to stop it but I cannot last more than a week. I usually masturbate while watching the porn videos. I want to gain control over the amount I watch, but I don't know how.
Answer
What you're asking me isn't actually about porn videos. Nor is it about masturbation. What you want is a life lesson on the secret of self-control. That's just another way of asking about how to break a habit. Moralists might call it a question of character.
It helps to understand that the brain is hard-wired for habit formation. Say, for example, you had no habit pattern about getting out of bed. You would have to decide whether to look at the clock or not, switch off the alarm or not, pull back the duvet first, or not, put one foot or two on the ground - I won't go on, you get the picture. And that's just the practical bits. Imagine if the birdsong or traffic noise outside was just as relevant to you as the alarm clock, or your mother's voice calling. The point is, habits are not just about what we do. Habits are also about prioritising. You'd forget the video, not to mention the masturbation, if the house went on fire.
This is all by way of saying that habits are necessary for survival. They are also necessary for sanity. Faced with all the choices all the time and we'd be immobilised, mind and body. Why this is relevant to your question is simple. Habits are formidable opponents, when we wish to change. That is particularly true when they are pleasurable. It take determination, effort, patience, endurance, and the upbeat capacity to try again when our efforts fail, as they almost invariably will when we're just beginning the battle, or suffer stress, or get too sure of ourselves and think we no longer have to try.
The rules are simple. Find enjoyable things to do with your time, which helps fill in the gaps and makes you more cheerful. Take up some hard physical activity, which creates the ‘happy hormones' in the brain and gives you a better mind/body balance or harmony. Lose the loner status, which I think is lurking in the background somewhere, since viewing lots of porn is usually a lonely preoccupation. If it didn't sound unkind, I'd say try and get a life. What I mean, and it carries no unkindness whatsoever, is that long hours of porn means a person is unhappy and somewhat lost.
Specify an alternative behaviour which you'll use as a substitute when you're tempted to reach for the porn. And tackle the habit at an early stage in the chain of events. In this case, go out for a drink, or meet pals at the cinema or help your mother in the kitchen, or whatever, when you're tempted to search for the porn site on the computer - or whichever way you view it.
Finally, I believe cold turkey is easier than controlled behaviour - like giving up the booze rather than trying to limit the number of pints. But that depends, amongst other things, on why you want to change. Do you dislike the whole notion of porn? Or are you worried that you using it as a substitute for love and companionship and fun and friendship? Think about it.
My Debts Are Enormous And My Husband Doesn't Know
Question
I'm 40 years old and as a result of the recession, find myself in a position I never thought possible.
I am married with three beautiful children. My husband is a very good, kind, hard-working man who leaves the running of the household to me. Up to last June I had a good job, earning sizeable money, and was then made redundant. I also had bank shares, which are now wiped out, leaving me with no safety net.
My husband is totally unaware of our predicament as I am 100% sure that if I share this with him, he will leave me. The problem is that, unknown to my husband, I have substantial debts in my own name and now I cannot meet the repayments. I have talked to the various companies involved but nobody will restructure the loans for me. I am reluctant to go to MABS as I know they will want to involve my husband. But if he becomes involved, my marriage is over. I cannot let that happen, for the sake of our children.
I look like I have it all, lovely house, lovely children, lovely husband. But on the inside I'm in a knot. The only thing stopping me from taking the ultimate step is my children. I know I could never leave them. I am crying writing this. I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. I spend my days avoiding phone calls and tearing up letters from creditors. I just don't know what to do. I am ashamed to go to my family. I can fully understand why people end it all because nobody wants to know if you have financial worries. People want to talk about the recession, but only on a global scale. They don't want to make it personal.
My husband pays the mortgage and other bills. And because he knows nothing of my debts, he believes my social welfare payment should keep me going - which of course it should. I don't know where to turn at this point. But please don't start your advice with the statement that I should tell my husband, because I cannot do that.
Answer
OK, I won't say you should tell your husband. There's something bigger than that we have to talk about anyway. And you are in such a panic at the moment that it's going to be hard for you to listen to anything I have to say. I don't know if you've ever had an actual panic attack. But ask anyone who has. The panic makes us literally deaf and blind, blanks out our thinking process, throws rationality to the winds. It's terrible, I know.
Panic attacks, mercifully, have a time-limit. The body and mind can't remain at that high level of terror, so something kicks in, and the panic recedes. Panic, in other words, is an acute condition. You, however, are suffering from sustained panic, or chronic high anxiety. Relief does not kick in. I understand how awful that is. Cool reasoning is not easy for you at the moment. In fact it may be well nigh impossible. I just want you to be aware of that as you listen.
You have been taken over by your debts, possessed if you like, as people used to say. You've almost entirely lost sight of yourself as a human being. The problem of your debts has grown so big, that it threatens to obliterate all of who you are, mother, wife, friend, sister, neighbour, daughter, threatens to overshadow how much you love your children and husband, and how much they love and need you. And yes, that's a state of mind that can lead to suicide. Thankfully that hasn't happened, but it's easy to understand the danger.
Part of the problem is the degree of guilt and shame you feel. Yes, you got yourself into debt. Yes, it was a mistake, albeit compounded by the sheer bad luck of the world going into recession. And yes, you are responsible for your actions. A certain amount of guilt, remorse and shame is appropriate whenever we derail like that. Overwhelming guilt and shame, however, is never appropriate - understandable sometimes, but never appropriate. There's a simple reason for that.
Human beings are more important than the mistakes they make. Thinking you're totally worthless because you ran up serious debt is a simple case of having the wrong standards. A mistake, no matter how serious, can never be the sum total of a human being's worth. Let me put it even more clearly. If you don't see the debts as a mistake; if, instead, you, your husband and the world around you see your debts as a deliberate act of foolishness, weakness, bad behaviour if you wish - even then, your debts are not the sum total of who you are. You are infinitely more important than your weakness. Do you understand?
Believe me, this isn't a problem about telling your husband. This is a problem about how you see yourself. You're beating yourself up so badly about your debts, that you believe, indeed expect, that the world will do likewise. Don't you think it's interesting that you think debts make you some kind of social leper? That you see it as the sin of all sins? Don't you see that that is a false value? Yes, it may well be accurate that your family wouldn't want to lend you money. It's a tricky business, lending people money. But that's very different to listening and trying to help you out of your current panic.
Life is one long exercise in forgiveness. That's because human beings can be weak, fallible, stupid, unwise, unkind, unthinking, unloving, and regularly let others down. No, we don't condone such shortcomings. We just understand. And are particularly ready to forgive when someone is sorry. Such forgiveness doesn't just apply to others. We have to learn to forgive ourselves. Your battle, in other words, is with yourself. The debts are serious. We've got that. Now they need to be dealt with, in the company of others. Why not have an initial consultation with MABS, the money advice organisation? Just to break your loneliness and silence on the subject?
I'm 40 years old and as a result of the recession, find myself in a position I never thought possible.
I am married with three beautiful children. My husband is a very good, kind, hard-working man who leaves the running of the household to me. Up to last June I had a good job, earning sizeable money, and was then made redundant. I also had bank shares, which are now wiped out, leaving me with no safety net.
My husband is totally unaware of our predicament as I am 100% sure that if I share this with him, he will leave me. The problem is that, unknown to my husband, I have substantial debts in my own name and now I cannot meet the repayments. I have talked to the various companies involved but nobody will restructure the loans for me. I am reluctant to go to MABS as I know they will want to involve my husband. But if he becomes involved, my marriage is over. I cannot let that happen, for the sake of our children.
I look like I have it all, lovely house, lovely children, lovely husband. But on the inside I'm in a knot. The only thing stopping me from taking the ultimate step is my children. I know I could never leave them. I am crying writing this. I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats. I spend my days avoiding phone calls and tearing up letters from creditors. I just don't know what to do. I am ashamed to go to my family. I can fully understand why people end it all because nobody wants to know if you have financial worries. People want to talk about the recession, but only on a global scale. They don't want to make it personal.
My husband pays the mortgage and other bills. And because he knows nothing of my debts, he believes my social welfare payment should keep me going - which of course it should. I don't know where to turn at this point. But please don't start your advice with the statement that I should tell my husband, because I cannot do that.
Answer
OK, I won't say you should tell your husband. There's something bigger than that we have to talk about anyway. And you are in such a panic at the moment that it's going to be hard for you to listen to anything I have to say. I don't know if you've ever had an actual panic attack. But ask anyone who has. The panic makes us literally deaf and blind, blanks out our thinking process, throws rationality to the winds. It's terrible, I know.
Panic attacks, mercifully, have a time-limit. The body and mind can't remain at that high level of terror, so something kicks in, and the panic recedes. Panic, in other words, is an acute condition. You, however, are suffering from sustained panic, or chronic high anxiety. Relief does not kick in. I understand how awful that is. Cool reasoning is not easy for you at the moment. In fact it may be well nigh impossible. I just want you to be aware of that as you listen.
You have been taken over by your debts, possessed if you like, as people used to say. You've almost entirely lost sight of yourself as a human being. The problem of your debts has grown so big, that it threatens to obliterate all of who you are, mother, wife, friend, sister, neighbour, daughter, threatens to overshadow how much you love your children and husband, and how much they love and need you. And yes, that's a state of mind that can lead to suicide. Thankfully that hasn't happened, but it's easy to understand the danger.
Part of the problem is the degree of guilt and shame you feel. Yes, you got yourself into debt. Yes, it was a mistake, albeit compounded by the sheer bad luck of the world going into recession. And yes, you are responsible for your actions. A certain amount of guilt, remorse and shame is appropriate whenever we derail like that. Overwhelming guilt and shame, however, is never appropriate - understandable sometimes, but never appropriate. There's a simple reason for that.
Human beings are more important than the mistakes they make. Thinking you're totally worthless because you ran up serious debt is a simple case of having the wrong standards. A mistake, no matter how serious, can never be the sum total of a human being's worth. Let me put it even more clearly. If you don't see the debts as a mistake; if, instead, you, your husband and the world around you see your debts as a deliberate act of foolishness, weakness, bad behaviour if you wish - even then, your debts are not the sum total of who you are. You are infinitely more important than your weakness. Do you understand?
Believe me, this isn't a problem about telling your husband. This is a problem about how you see yourself. You're beating yourself up so badly about your debts, that you believe, indeed expect, that the world will do likewise. Don't you think it's interesting that you think debts make you some kind of social leper? That you see it as the sin of all sins? Don't you see that that is a false value? Yes, it may well be accurate that your family wouldn't want to lend you money. It's a tricky business, lending people money. But that's very different to listening and trying to help you out of your current panic.
Life is one long exercise in forgiveness. That's because human beings can be weak, fallible, stupid, unwise, unkind, unthinking, unloving, and regularly let others down. No, we don't condone such shortcomings. We just understand. And are particularly ready to forgive when someone is sorry. Such forgiveness doesn't just apply to others. We have to learn to forgive ourselves. Your battle, in other words, is with yourself. The debts are serious. We've got that. Now they need to be dealt with, in the company of others. Why not have an initial consultation with MABS, the money advice organisation? Just to break your loneliness and silence on the subject?
I Want To Be With Another Man
Question
Like the lady who wrote recently, I too love somebody else, but am afraid to end a secure marriage. I'm in my 50's with a grown family, all of them gone and doing their own thing. My husband and I have what most other people would call a very happy marriage. He is a wonderful husband and father, just as I am a good mother and wife. But I never loved him in the way I know I should have. He, on the other hand, loves me very much and I know that if I were to leave, his world would end.
I am very much in love with another man, and have been for several years. We were friends for a long time and it grew from there. I never wanted to have an affaire as I didn't like sex and only had sex all those years in my marriage to keep my husband happy. But when I made love to this man it was so wonderful. I didn't know I could feel like this. We have lovely times together and both love each other very much. We are soul mates, in every sense of the word.
The problem is that I'm afraid to leave my secure marriage. This man is not married and has no children, but his career takes him around the world and he loves what he does. I know he would not give it up for me, but to be together he'd need to. I guess you could say that I have the best of both worlds. But I am so unhappy trying to live two lives, wanting so much to be with one man, and yet not wanting to hurt the other. My sexual relationship with my husband stopped a few years ago. I know he hopes it will come back and puts it down to the change of life. He knows nothing of this other man.
Answer
I think it may be time to ban all reference to soul mates. Using the word ‘soul' makes it sound like such relationships are on another plane entirely, free from normal standards of honesty and honour, to be judged entirely differently. Yes, I do understand the feelings you have for this man are powerful. That's not the issue.
Many married couples reach an ‘understanding', verbalised or otherwise, when it comes to sexual fidelity. Some men, closet gays or just not turned on, wordlessly but willingly, close their eyes to their partner's extra-marital affairs. Wives do likewise. It may not sound nice and is unquestionably compromising, but it's a contract of sorts. Then there are wives and husbands who cheat, have secret affairs, are deceitful and dishonest, and often damage the fabric of their marriages, even when they are not found out.
Maybe it's just the way you tell it, but your story touches another nerve, seems somehow in a different league again. Your husband is patiently waiting for you to return to the marital bed, generously accepting that women can have menopausal difficulties, and you're abusing his devotion. You're not just lying. You're making a fool of him. The relationship with your lover is based on the most profound disrespect for your husband. What has he ever done to deserve such cruelty?
Fear has been much maligned in our modern world. In fact we've put enormous effort into banishing it. This is based on the fundamentally flawed assumption that good behaviour is either inherent in human beings, or can be shaped by reward alone. That is not so. There is a very fine line between fear and respect. In fact you could argue that respect and fear are intrinsically entwined. And I'm not talking terror here. I'm talking consequences.
Look at your attitude to your husband. You clearly don't fear any consequences. You believe his world would end if he lost you. So you take licence with your marital commitment. Would you be so bold if you thought he might relentlessly pursue a crippling divorce if he found out?
Where is your heart? Equally importantly, where is your head? I don't understand why your lover would have to give up his career if you two were to become a couple, but I accept what you're saying as fact. Can you accept the inevitable logic of that position? Rather than rendering huge changes in his life, he's settling for having you sexually on the side. Is that respectful?
No, I don't think you have the best of both words. Far from it. I think your disrespect for your husband is mirrored by a profound disrespect for yourself. You're also neither emotionally nor intellectually honest, which leaves you stumbling through an inauthentic life. How can you say, for example, that you don't want to hurt your husband? What you mean is that you don't want to suffer yourself. Yet you are missing the loss which you have already suffered, which is lost dignity, and so damaging.
You've been knocked sideways by sexual passion - something that everyone can understand. You badly need to regain your bearings. The decisions you make, of course, are down to you.
Like the lady who wrote recently, I too love somebody else, but am afraid to end a secure marriage. I'm in my 50's with a grown family, all of them gone and doing their own thing. My husband and I have what most other people would call a very happy marriage. He is a wonderful husband and father, just as I am a good mother and wife. But I never loved him in the way I know I should have. He, on the other hand, loves me very much and I know that if I were to leave, his world would end.
I am very much in love with another man, and have been for several years. We were friends for a long time and it grew from there. I never wanted to have an affaire as I didn't like sex and only had sex all those years in my marriage to keep my husband happy. But when I made love to this man it was so wonderful. I didn't know I could feel like this. We have lovely times together and both love each other very much. We are soul mates, in every sense of the word.
The problem is that I'm afraid to leave my secure marriage. This man is not married and has no children, but his career takes him around the world and he loves what he does. I know he would not give it up for me, but to be together he'd need to. I guess you could say that I have the best of both worlds. But I am so unhappy trying to live two lives, wanting so much to be with one man, and yet not wanting to hurt the other. My sexual relationship with my husband stopped a few years ago. I know he hopes it will come back and puts it down to the change of life. He knows nothing of this other man.
Answer
I think it may be time to ban all reference to soul mates. Using the word ‘soul' makes it sound like such relationships are on another plane entirely, free from normal standards of honesty and honour, to be judged entirely differently. Yes, I do understand the feelings you have for this man are powerful. That's not the issue.
Many married couples reach an ‘understanding', verbalised or otherwise, when it comes to sexual fidelity. Some men, closet gays or just not turned on, wordlessly but willingly, close their eyes to their partner's extra-marital affairs. Wives do likewise. It may not sound nice and is unquestionably compromising, but it's a contract of sorts. Then there are wives and husbands who cheat, have secret affairs, are deceitful and dishonest, and often damage the fabric of their marriages, even when they are not found out.
Maybe it's just the way you tell it, but your story touches another nerve, seems somehow in a different league again. Your husband is patiently waiting for you to return to the marital bed, generously accepting that women can have menopausal difficulties, and you're abusing his devotion. You're not just lying. You're making a fool of him. The relationship with your lover is based on the most profound disrespect for your husband. What has he ever done to deserve such cruelty?
Fear has been much maligned in our modern world. In fact we've put enormous effort into banishing it. This is based on the fundamentally flawed assumption that good behaviour is either inherent in human beings, or can be shaped by reward alone. That is not so. There is a very fine line between fear and respect. In fact you could argue that respect and fear are intrinsically entwined. And I'm not talking terror here. I'm talking consequences.
Look at your attitude to your husband. You clearly don't fear any consequences. You believe his world would end if he lost you. So you take licence with your marital commitment. Would you be so bold if you thought he might relentlessly pursue a crippling divorce if he found out?
Where is your heart? Equally importantly, where is your head? I don't understand why your lover would have to give up his career if you two were to become a couple, but I accept what you're saying as fact. Can you accept the inevitable logic of that position? Rather than rendering huge changes in his life, he's settling for having you sexually on the side. Is that respectful?
No, I don't think you have the best of both words. Far from it. I think your disrespect for your husband is mirrored by a profound disrespect for yourself. You're also neither emotionally nor intellectually honest, which leaves you stumbling through an inauthentic life. How can you say, for example, that you don't want to hurt your husband? What you mean is that you don't want to suffer yourself. Yet you are missing the loss which you have already suffered, which is lost dignity, and so damaging.
You've been knocked sideways by sexual passion - something that everyone can understand. You badly need to regain your bearings. The decisions you make, of course, are down to you.
I'm 17 And Feel Numb And Scared
Question
I'm 17 and come from a very good family. Nothing traumatic has ever occurred in my life. Yet I can feel very down and extremely alone. I hate feeling like this because I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it.
I have felt this way for some time. If I'm honest, I have very low self-esteem. I hate my body, even though I am neither overweight nor ugly. I feel everyone around me is living their life, and I just play a minor role in their lives, with no real life of my own.
I have a good social life and lots of people around me, yet I don't have somebody I can trust as I have been hurt by friends in the past. I've also never had a relationship with anybody, of any sort, and this has left me questioning my sexuality. As a result, I spend the majority of my time day-dreaming and in turn have been doing really terrible in my final year of school.
I know I sound pathetic, though I am scared because I don't know why I feel like this. I have tried very hard to snap out of this trance, but I can't. I literally feel numb inside.
Answer
Part of the challenge of being 17 is that nothing seems fixed, or certain. Things happen, but you don't recognise them, can't figure them out with any real accuracy. It's a voyage of discovery, and often very scary. That's why it's so important to talk. And that's why the first thing I have to say to you is find someone to confide in. Yes, I know your trust was betrayed by friends in the past and yes, I understand that friends seem the logical ones to turn to, but that's not always the case. Sometimes in life – and not just at 17 – we need a guiding hand, rather than shared experiences.
I accept that nothing traumatic has ever happened to you. But sometimes a steady drip can do more damage, not least because it's so hard to detect. If you have low self-esteem and hate your body, then you have suffered real emotional damage, however it came about. And being locked away in silence only makes it worse.
Numbness, like day-dreaming, is about self-protection. You feel helpless to change things, so you take flight from the world. It's certainly not a nice state of affairs. But don't be afraid. Your mind and heart are creatively finding a way to protect you. It's not a long-term solution, of course, but just your self-protective fighting spirit doing its best, and nothing to fear.
You do not sound pathetic. You sound human, and like all of us, simply in need of a helping hand. I promise you, your distress at the moment is primarily caused by isolation. Break that isolation, and things will seem brighter. Nor should you beat yourself up for how you feel. If you had pain in a sprained wrist you wouldn't give out to yourself would you? Why, then, would you do yourself down because you have a sprained spirit? You're emotionally hurt. That's OK.
Feeling anxious about your sexual orientation is understandable. You're starved of close human contact. Of course you wonder. Your sexual orientation, however, is not the issue here. It's your loneliness. In the absence of another point of view, without people who clearly express their affection and appreciation, you're left with that damage to your self-esteem, that negative attitude to yourself, that sense of helplessness.
Break out of the isolation. Talk to somebody. Start simply. Ring the Samaritans. Or open a conversation with your parents, tell them you feel lost, ask if you could go to see someone. Whatever it takes, make contact.
I'm 17 and come from a very good family. Nothing traumatic has ever occurred in my life. Yet I can feel very down and extremely alone. I hate feeling like this because I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it.
I have felt this way for some time. If I'm honest, I have very low self-esteem. I hate my body, even though I am neither overweight nor ugly. I feel everyone around me is living their life, and I just play a minor role in their lives, with no real life of my own.
I have a good social life and lots of people around me, yet I don't have somebody I can trust as I have been hurt by friends in the past. I've also never had a relationship with anybody, of any sort, and this has left me questioning my sexuality. As a result, I spend the majority of my time day-dreaming and in turn have been doing really terrible in my final year of school.
I know I sound pathetic, though I am scared because I don't know why I feel like this. I have tried very hard to snap out of this trance, but I can't. I literally feel numb inside.
Answer
Part of the challenge of being 17 is that nothing seems fixed, or certain. Things happen, but you don't recognise them, can't figure them out with any real accuracy. It's a voyage of discovery, and often very scary. That's why it's so important to talk. And that's why the first thing I have to say to you is find someone to confide in. Yes, I know your trust was betrayed by friends in the past and yes, I understand that friends seem the logical ones to turn to, but that's not always the case. Sometimes in life – and not just at 17 – we need a guiding hand, rather than shared experiences.
I accept that nothing traumatic has ever happened to you. But sometimes a steady drip can do more damage, not least because it's so hard to detect. If you have low self-esteem and hate your body, then you have suffered real emotional damage, however it came about. And being locked away in silence only makes it worse.
Numbness, like day-dreaming, is about self-protection. You feel helpless to change things, so you take flight from the world. It's certainly not a nice state of affairs. But don't be afraid. Your mind and heart are creatively finding a way to protect you. It's not a long-term solution, of course, but just your self-protective fighting spirit doing its best, and nothing to fear.
You do not sound pathetic. You sound human, and like all of us, simply in need of a helping hand. I promise you, your distress at the moment is primarily caused by isolation. Break that isolation, and things will seem brighter. Nor should you beat yourself up for how you feel. If you had pain in a sprained wrist you wouldn't give out to yourself would you? Why, then, would you do yourself down because you have a sprained spirit? You're emotionally hurt. That's OK.
Feeling anxious about your sexual orientation is understandable. You're starved of close human contact. Of course you wonder. Your sexual orientation, however, is not the issue here. It's your loneliness. In the absence of another point of view, without people who clearly express their affection and appreciation, you're left with that damage to your self-esteem, that negative attitude to yourself, that sense of helplessness.
Break out of the isolation. Talk to somebody. Start simply. Ring the Samaritans. Or open a conversation with your parents, tell them you feel lost, ask if you could go to see someone. Whatever it takes, make contact.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)