Question
I've been dating my girlfriend for a year and am very much in love with her.
I am naturally a more passive type of person, so she tends to make decisions. And I let her, because she seems to want to do it. I have tried making a few decisions myself but this doesn't seem to please her. Yet when I sit back, she then accuses me of not doing my fair share. She can be quite insulting to me at times and sometimes she is completely unreasonable. When I try to discuss something which is bothering me, or something that is really serious, she doesn't listen. Instead she prefers to talk about her own problems. At other times she is very nice, pleasant and a pleasure to be around.
I'm worried she may be suffering from some kind of depression. In the space of even a few hours, she can go from being extremely happy and nice to being quite depressive and a nightmare to be around. I have mentioned this to her more than once, but she says she has always been like this and I shouldn't be so sensitive. I feel she has two personalities and I'm only in love with one of them.
I now find myself walking on eggshells all the time, wondering what mood she is in. It's becoming quite unbearable. I don't want to lose her, but I fear that's where it's heading.
Answer
Your girlfriend is bullying you. Or if you don't like that notion, she's being bad-mannered and uncivil to you. And you are allowing it to happen. Worse, you're making excuses for her, and in the process making excuses for your failure to tackle her properly. Maybe she is moody. Maybe she is even depressive. Maybe she even has mood-swings, driven, perhaps, by poor diet and sugar cravings. I don't know, and wouldn't dream of trying to make a diagnosis long distance.
What I do know is that none of that is an excuse. You're not walking on eggshells around your girlfriend because you're concerned for her mental health. You're afraid to challenge her. In fact you're so frightened of confrontation that you'd prefer to allow the relationship to fail.
Yes, your girlfriend bears the responsibility for her own bad behaviour. The point is, you bear responsibility for your failure to defend yourself. Why do you stand and take her insults? Why don't you insist that she treat your properly? Why walk on eggshells instead of confronting her? Why leave decisions to her rather than insisting you take them jointly? What's with all this passivity? And why is walking away your only perceived option?
We choose the people we love. And we repeat the pattern in our next choice, and in the one after that. You need to resolve the way you behave in a relationship, not just to save this one, but to save yourself.
Friday, January 22, 2010
I'm Hooked On A Girl
Question
I'm a 31 year old male and am in a horrible situation. About a year ago I became very attracted to a girl I work with. She is very flirtatious by nature and we really hit it off. I thought she liked me, although she never gave me any indication that she wanted to be more than friends. I didn't have the courage to ask her out. But we did meet a couple of times outside work.
I started to think about her all the time, wondering where she was and who she was with. She had a boyfriend at the time, but they were having a tough time together and she would confide in me and ask my advice. Needless to say I was tremendously jealous of this guy but bit my tongue and was there when she needed me.
She broke up with her boyfriend and asked if I'd like to go on an extended holiday she was taking. I thought this was my big chance and that she did, in fact, feel something for me. After a while, though, we didn't get on so well, I found her quite annoying company, and she gave no indication that she wanted to be more than friends. So we parted ways and I came home early. When we later met up, I finally decided that she had to know how I felt, so I told her, over the phone. She didn't say anything, just said she had to go and we would talk later.
I decided she wasn't interested, and that it would be best if we didn't see each other. But that is easier said than done. When someone is in your thoughts so much it is very hard to stop caring about them. I have found out that she is dating someone new. She wants to be friends even now, and keeps asking to meet up. But I just can't face her. The thought of seeing her with someone else depresses me so much. I just want her out of my mind totally, but she is always in my thoughts. I also feel I'm being very unfair on her as she is not really to blame for any of this. I don't know how to move on.
Answer
You can't be friends with someone you fancy. It just doesn't work. To begin with, it's too painful. You want love sex and togetherness. Instead you get confidences about love sex and togetherness she's having with someone else. How masochistic is that.
It's dishonest too. There is no way you can wish her well and give her sound, independent advice, based on what is best for her. The real truth, as you've pointed out, is that you hang in there, hoping she'll break up with the other guy. Your sympathy is fake. So is your friendship.
I'm not just talking about you. I'm saying this is the way it is. Human beings are just that, human. And no, you were not being nasty. You were just misguided, fooled by this whole modern friendship thing. So is your friend. Look at what she's doing. You told her you fancied her. She's going out with someone new. But she's badgering you for contact. No, she's not a bad person either. She's missing the point.
The only way to get over someone is to get them out of your hair. Oh and just to clear something up. You found your friend annoying while on holidays with her because your hopes of togetherness were frustrated. Actually you were angry. It just came out as extreme annoyance.
Yes, you're right. The fact that you fancy your friend is not her fault. But it is her responsibility to stop being so blind and leave you in peace. Since she's not doing that, you have to do it. Tell her to delete your number from her mobile. And go looking for someone else to fill your life.
I'm a 31 year old male and am in a horrible situation. About a year ago I became very attracted to a girl I work with. She is very flirtatious by nature and we really hit it off. I thought she liked me, although she never gave me any indication that she wanted to be more than friends. I didn't have the courage to ask her out. But we did meet a couple of times outside work.
I started to think about her all the time, wondering where she was and who she was with. She had a boyfriend at the time, but they were having a tough time together and she would confide in me and ask my advice. Needless to say I was tremendously jealous of this guy but bit my tongue and was there when she needed me.
She broke up with her boyfriend and asked if I'd like to go on an extended holiday she was taking. I thought this was my big chance and that she did, in fact, feel something for me. After a while, though, we didn't get on so well, I found her quite annoying company, and she gave no indication that she wanted to be more than friends. So we parted ways and I came home early. When we later met up, I finally decided that she had to know how I felt, so I told her, over the phone. She didn't say anything, just said she had to go and we would talk later.
I decided she wasn't interested, and that it would be best if we didn't see each other. But that is easier said than done. When someone is in your thoughts so much it is very hard to stop caring about them. I have found out that she is dating someone new. She wants to be friends even now, and keeps asking to meet up. But I just can't face her. The thought of seeing her with someone else depresses me so much. I just want her out of my mind totally, but she is always in my thoughts. I also feel I'm being very unfair on her as she is not really to blame for any of this. I don't know how to move on.
Answer
You can't be friends with someone you fancy. It just doesn't work. To begin with, it's too painful. You want love sex and togetherness. Instead you get confidences about love sex and togetherness she's having with someone else. How masochistic is that.
It's dishonest too. There is no way you can wish her well and give her sound, independent advice, based on what is best for her. The real truth, as you've pointed out, is that you hang in there, hoping she'll break up with the other guy. Your sympathy is fake. So is your friendship.
I'm not just talking about you. I'm saying this is the way it is. Human beings are just that, human. And no, you were not being nasty. You were just misguided, fooled by this whole modern friendship thing. So is your friend. Look at what she's doing. You told her you fancied her. She's going out with someone new. But she's badgering you for contact. No, she's not a bad person either. She's missing the point.
The only way to get over someone is to get them out of your hair. Oh and just to clear something up. You found your friend annoying while on holidays with her because your hopes of togetherness were frustrated. Actually you were angry. It just came out as extreme annoyance.
Yes, you're right. The fact that you fancy your friend is not her fault. But it is her responsibility to stop being so blind and leave you in peace. Since she's not doing that, you have to do it. Tell her to delete your number from her mobile. And go looking for someone else to fill your life.
I Have A Competitive Friend
Question
I have always felt proud of myself for rarely feeling jealous about anyone. I know it is a destructive emotion. I am educated, friendly, popular, pretty, happily married, and all is well in my life.
Some time ago I entered a part-time university course to further enhance my career and made some wonderful friends. One woman in particular became a friend. She is friendly, bubbly and easy to talk to. Yet over the past year she has begun to irritate me. She has a tendency to blow her own trumpet, and really only to me. It can be about the wonderful marks she got in our exams, or on a particular project. She has also begun to work for my company and goes on a bit about the wonderful relationships she has with other employees. She has also secured a slightly better contract than I have. Well that's life, I guess. But when I achieve anything I am always aware of others who have not done so well, so I would never go on about it.
My friend does. I also have to listen to how lovely her husband is - mine is too. Or how intelligent she is. But she's not a brain surgeon! Basically I'm regularly told how great she is. Apart from all this she is nice, a good listener, supportive, and I do like her. So is this just me feeling inadequate? Have I succumbed to jealousy?
I didn't have the most wonderful childhood. I didn't receive much encouragement and lacked self-confidence. But I have worked hard to get where I am today. I also still get criticism from members of my family who think I have ideas above my station. I don't. I just wanted a good life. But could all this be linked to my problem with this woman?
I really need to sort this out as I will be working and socialising a lot with this woman for the foreseeable future and I don't want to go on feeling the way I do. It is destructive.
Answer
You're not comfortable with competitiveness. You don't like being seen as someone who has succeeded. Nor do you like any element of envy in yourself. That's not a criticism. On the contrary, it's a tribute to your innate kindness and sensitivity. It's also a problem you have to solve, a question you have to settle. Since life is all about social interaction, we have to learn to handle competitiveness. It's as essential and learning to talk.
That's not a cynical assessment of human beings. We learn by a constant series of subtle - and not so subtle - comparisons with others. Think of small kids. When they argue they can do it themselves, they're asserting their independence. But they're doing so by making the judgment that they can do 'it' - wash their hair, tie their shoes, feed the dog - just as well as you can. They've made a judgment about themselves, based on comparison with a parent.
We don't lose this basic human skill with age. We simply hone it, integrate it into kindness, compassion, fairness, unselfishness and self-confidence. We swap, if you like, simple one-up-manship for a mature assessment of what constitutes success. We don't stop being competitive, we just handle it better, use it to serve our needs in a more effective, moral and socially acceptable fashion.
This woman friend of yours is competing with you. She sees you as the marker of her own success. But instead of keeping that quietly to herself as an important piece of knowledge about her own personality, - she feels she has to let you know. She's being so obvious it's silly. That, however, is only one reason you feel so uncomfortable. The other reason is that you're competing with her. You're using her as a marker of your success. That causes you difficulties.
Yes, your past is relevant as you rightly point out. Your belief in yourself still rests on a wobbly emotional base. You're afraid of failing. Certainly you want to succeed. But you want to do so quietly, inconspicuously, so that nobody has the opportunity to dance in glee if you slip up. You certainly don't want the limelight of openly saying 'I want that' and going for it, baldly. You feel too vulnerable for that. You're afraid everything might fall down around your ears, and people will crow in delight, and you're self-belief will then shrivel up and die.
The upside of this vulnerability is that you're a kind and generous and humane woman. All you have to do is take that great courage you have in your hands and acknowledge, just to yourself, that you are competing with this woman friend too - and are entirely cheesed off that she's got a better contract. In fact she has successfully moved in on your patch. The good news is that she's so open in her attempts to upstage you. The even better news is that you're being so mature about it. You acknowledge that she's a nice person, that you like her, that you want to remain friendly with her. Just add to that list recognition of the fact that she thinks so highly of you, she's chosen you as the one to compete with.
Compete, with confidence and great good humour. You've clearly got a lot more going for you than you realise. I'll bet she talks to her friends about how mature and self-confident and full of poise you are. She sounds like a nice woman to me, transparent in her need. You could eat her for breakfast, but you won't. Just use this great opportunity to ease yourself into a comfortable relationship with competitiveness - and yes, I do mean your own.
I have always felt proud of myself for rarely feeling jealous about anyone. I know it is a destructive emotion. I am educated, friendly, popular, pretty, happily married, and all is well in my life.
Some time ago I entered a part-time university course to further enhance my career and made some wonderful friends. One woman in particular became a friend. She is friendly, bubbly and easy to talk to. Yet over the past year she has begun to irritate me. She has a tendency to blow her own trumpet, and really only to me. It can be about the wonderful marks she got in our exams, or on a particular project. She has also begun to work for my company and goes on a bit about the wonderful relationships she has with other employees. She has also secured a slightly better contract than I have. Well that's life, I guess. But when I achieve anything I am always aware of others who have not done so well, so I would never go on about it.
My friend does. I also have to listen to how lovely her husband is - mine is too. Or how intelligent she is. But she's not a brain surgeon! Basically I'm regularly told how great she is. Apart from all this she is nice, a good listener, supportive, and I do like her. So is this just me feeling inadequate? Have I succumbed to jealousy?
I didn't have the most wonderful childhood. I didn't receive much encouragement and lacked self-confidence. But I have worked hard to get where I am today. I also still get criticism from members of my family who think I have ideas above my station. I don't. I just wanted a good life. But could all this be linked to my problem with this woman?
I really need to sort this out as I will be working and socialising a lot with this woman for the foreseeable future and I don't want to go on feeling the way I do. It is destructive.
Answer
You're not comfortable with competitiveness. You don't like being seen as someone who has succeeded. Nor do you like any element of envy in yourself. That's not a criticism. On the contrary, it's a tribute to your innate kindness and sensitivity. It's also a problem you have to solve, a question you have to settle. Since life is all about social interaction, we have to learn to handle competitiveness. It's as essential and learning to talk.
That's not a cynical assessment of human beings. We learn by a constant series of subtle - and not so subtle - comparisons with others. Think of small kids. When they argue they can do it themselves, they're asserting their independence. But they're doing so by making the judgment that they can do 'it' - wash their hair, tie their shoes, feed the dog - just as well as you can. They've made a judgment about themselves, based on comparison with a parent.
We don't lose this basic human skill with age. We simply hone it, integrate it into kindness, compassion, fairness, unselfishness and self-confidence. We swap, if you like, simple one-up-manship for a mature assessment of what constitutes success. We don't stop being competitive, we just handle it better, use it to serve our needs in a more effective, moral and socially acceptable fashion.
This woman friend of yours is competing with you. She sees you as the marker of her own success. But instead of keeping that quietly to herself as an important piece of knowledge about her own personality, - she feels she has to let you know. She's being so obvious it's silly. That, however, is only one reason you feel so uncomfortable. The other reason is that you're competing with her. You're using her as a marker of your success. That causes you difficulties.
Yes, your past is relevant as you rightly point out. Your belief in yourself still rests on a wobbly emotional base. You're afraid of failing. Certainly you want to succeed. But you want to do so quietly, inconspicuously, so that nobody has the opportunity to dance in glee if you slip up. You certainly don't want the limelight of openly saying 'I want that' and going for it, baldly. You feel too vulnerable for that. You're afraid everything might fall down around your ears, and people will crow in delight, and you're self-belief will then shrivel up and die.
The upside of this vulnerability is that you're a kind and generous and humane woman. All you have to do is take that great courage you have in your hands and acknowledge, just to yourself, that you are competing with this woman friend too - and are entirely cheesed off that she's got a better contract. In fact she has successfully moved in on your patch. The good news is that she's so open in her attempts to upstage you. The even better news is that you're being so mature about it. You acknowledge that she's a nice person, that you like her, that you want to remain friendly with her. Just add to that list recognition of the fact that she thinks so highly of you, she's chosen you as the one to compete with.
Compete, with confidence and great good humour. You've clearly got a lot more going for you than you realise. I'll bet she talks to her friends about how mature and self-confident and full of poise you are. She sounds like a nice woman to me, transparent in her need. You could eat her for breakfast, but you won't. Just use this great opportunity to ease yourself into a comfortable relationship with competitiveness - and yes, I do mean your own.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
My Husband Tried To Cheat
Question
We have two small children, are in the process of selling our house and trading up, and are both working very hard to keep the show on the road.
A few months ago my husband 'met' a woman through an internet chat room and arranged to meet her in order to spend the night in a hotel. This didn't happen as I found out about it and confronted him. He was upset and sorry and swore that it was a moment of weakness. He said he realised the huge mistake he was about to make and promised he would never engage in this behaviour again. To the best of my knowledge he has kept his word.
My problem is that he has destroyed the trust I thought existed between us. He refuses to discuss the matter, saying that it is in the past and that I'm dwelling too much on it. What upsets me is that he failed to follow through his plan not because he loved me, but because I found out. And this is the reason I can't consign the whole episode to the past.
How do I deal with this? It is eating away at me. I'm just keeping up appearances for the sake of our children and families.
Answer
You will never know what might have happened. Lots of plans are made and then changed. But yes, it's true. What you're left with is the fact that it was you who stopped your husband. It's the only reality you have. He intended to be unfaithful. He planned to be. In effect he was unfaithful, even if he didn't actually follow through on the actual act.
That is the pain you're suffering. And yes, it was a breach of trust. Your husband destroyed the innocence of your belief in the solidity of your relationship. That doesn't just hurt, it creates vulnerability. You can no longer feel unthinkingly sure. Whether he likes it or not, you now have to find a new, more cautious perspective on your marriage. You're trading up on your house, you have two small children, and you're working hard for this dream. It is absolutely inevitable that you now ask yourself what's it all about, or wonder who, exactly, this man is with whom you're doing all this working and dreaming.
No, I'm not saying the situation is hopeless - far from it. Your husband is obviously sorry for his actions. He has told you he was about to make a terrible mistake. He clearly has no intention of abandoning you. And yes, the reality is that we can be tempted. Unfortunately such temptation often comes when we're strung out - as I'm sure you both have been for some time. That seems particularly unfair, since it is at such times that we most need our partner. And what does he do? Lets us down, big-time.
The mistake your husband is making now is that he's trying to sweep all this under the carpet. He doesn't want to hear about the damage he's done - to you, to your relationship, to himself. His honour has been dented, as has his trustworthiness. He is now a lesser man. Put another way, he has to serve his time to gain your respect and trust and unquestioning love again. And no, this isn't about punishment. We all have to suffer the consequences of our own actions. It is unreal of him to expect that you can remain untouched by what happened.
I am not suggesting you actively punish him. Nor am I suggesting that your distress should last forever. At some point you have to forgive and forget. It's just that, for now, you need to make it clear to your husband that you're in emotional trouble. He has to acknowledge that, not dismiss it. He has to earn your trust by truly showing that he knows how grievously wrong his behaviour was. He has to make amends by comforting you with his kindness, showing his sorrow at having hurt you, finding ways to reassure you. Talk to him about that.
We have two small children, are in the process of selling our house and trading up, and are both working very hard to keep the show on the road.
A few months ago my husband 'met' a woman through an internet chat room and arranged to meet her in order to spend the night in a hotel. This didn't happen as I found out about it and confronted him. He was upset and sorry and swore that it was a moment of weakness. He said he realised the huge mistake he was about to make and promised he would never engage in this behaviour again. To the best of my knowledge he has kept his word.
My problem is that he has destroyed the trust I thought existed between us. He refuses to discuss the matter, saying that it is in the past and that I'm dwelling too much on it. What upsets me is that he failed to follow through his plan not because he loved me, but because I found out. And this is the reason I can't consign the whole episode to the past.
How do I deal with this? It is eating away at me. I'm just keeping up appearances for the sake of our children and families.
Answer
You will never know what might have happened. Lots of plans are made and then changed. But yes, it's true. What you're left with is the fact that it was you who stopped your husband. It's the only reality you have. He intended to be unfaithful. He planned to be. In effect he was unfaithful, even if he didn't actually follow through on the actual act.
That is the pain you're suffering. And yes, it was a breach of trust. Your husband destroyed the innocence of your belief in the solidity of your relationship. That doesn't just hurt, it creates vulnerability. You can no longer feel unthinkingly sure. Whether he likes it or not, you now have to find a new, more cautious perspective on your marriage. You're trading up on your house, you have two small children, and you're working hard for this dream. It is absolutely inevitable that you now ask yourself what's it all about, or wonder who, exactly, this man is with whom you're doing all this working and dreaming.
No, I'm not saying the situation is hopeless - far from it. Your husband is obviously sorry for his actions. He has told you he was about to make a terrible mistake. He clearly has no intention of abandoning you. And yes, the reality is that we can be tempted. Unfortunately such temptation often comes when we're strung out - as I'm sure you both have been for some time. That seems particularly unfair, since it is at such times that we most need our partner. And what does he do? Lets us down, big-time.
The mistake your husband is making now is that he's trying to sweep all this under the carpet. He doesn't want to hear about the damage he's done - to you, to your relationship, to himself. His honour has been dented, as has his trustworthiness. He is now a lesser man. Put another way, he has to serve his time to gain your respect and trust and unquestioning love again. And no, this isn't about punishment. We all have to suffer the consequences of our own actions. It is unreal of him to expect that you can remain untouched by what happened.
I am not suggesting you actively punish him. Nor am I suggesting that your distress should last forever. At some point you have to forgive and forget. It's just that, for now, you need to make it clear to your husband that you're in emotional trouble. He has to acknowledge that, not dismiss it. He has to earn your trust by truly showing that he knows how grievously wrong his behaviour was. He has to make amends by comforting you with his kindness, showing his sorrow at having hurt you, finding ways to reassure you. Talk to him about that.
I Left My Husband
Question
Mine was a 25 year marriage. And then I got to the stage where I felt I had had enough. Exhausted and near despair, I asked my husband for change, explaining that I was unhappy with the way some things were in our marriage. He was very very angry and said that if I wasn't happy, the door was open. Suggestions of marriage counselling were rebuffed. Further attempts at talking with him failed.
I had never seriously challenged him before. I had found his emotional absence so painful over the years because I felt dependent. Yet I also felt that he loved and needed me. So I took my very faltering courage in my hands and confronted him, in as gentle a way as I could. Maybe I could have done better. I don't know. His answer was to point to the door.
I couldn't tell him any truths about the way his behaviour was impacting on those around him because he wouldn't listen, preferring to blame me. I also couldn't back down as there were concrete, real and serious issues that needed to be addressed, stuff that I had effectively let him away with for years.
It's a very painful decision to try and make, to stay or to go. To stay, when there is no hope of any real change is as painful as making the decision to leave which I did. I struggle slowly to build a life for myself and it is by no means easy. I don't have the words to describe the upheaval and the hurt involved. I struggle every day with the painful feelings, especially with the anger, which I try very hard to channel - not always successfully - into worthwhile projects. I worry about my future and have to watch out for the regrets that get in the way. And I am frequently consumed by doubts and anxieties.
I need help to keep going. I know it's an old cliché, but I am still at the point where I feel his death would have been easier to deal with.
Answer
Of course your husband's death would be easier to handle. The decision to leave is always so fraught with doubts, that having the decision taken out of your hands has to be more attractive. It's not an old cliché. Pretty or not, that's how most people feel.
The indignity of not being loved is the hardest part to bear. You're absolutely right. It's painful to stay when there's no hope of change. And it's painful to go. After all, what you're trying to do is to put some value on yourself. But who believes in their own worth every minute of every day? When we're low, we wonder about the wisdom of our decision and a thousand thoughts clamour in our heads. Couldn't we have just shut up and put up? Couldn't we have created havoc, put our foot down, fought it out line by line? Couldn't we have been cleverer, wiser, more devious, more open, just different than we were? And basically the questions are the same, whether we stay or go. Except that when we stay, we're talking present tense, because we're still in their, taking the punishment.
Anger is often the hardest part. You're not alone in that. Maybe it helps to understand exactly why we're angry. First of all, it's a defence against grief. The pain of not being loved, of having someone so prepared to let you go, the lost dream, the tired review of all those years of effort and endeavour, the sense of waste, opportunities lost - all of that brings real grief. And our anger is a defence, a barrier against the danger of drowning in such sorrow. As a temporary measure such anger is fine, our mind's defence against the despair of defeat. Some day soon you'll be able to feel the grief, cry the tears, and let it rest.
There's also the rage of failing to penetrate an ex-husband's - or indeed an ex-wife's - defences. We all have such a need to be truly seen and heard. But isn't that the nub of the whole sorry mess? Loving someone is about seeing and hearing them. Not being seen or heard is the reason we leave. The speech is never delivered. The other person's ears are closed. That's what marital breakdown is all about. Of course you didn't get to tell your husband how he impacts on those around him. Of course you didn't get him to truly listen. If you had, you'd still be married, and happily so. That's the whole point.
Can I tell you what I think? I basically believe everybody makes the right decision for them. Well, that's everybody who has put in some effort, handled the pain, served their apprenticeship so to speak. I'm not talking irresponsibility here, or low frustration tolerance, or throwing in the towel too early. Since I'm starting to tie myself in knots, maybe I should be more specific: I think you made the right decision. You stuck it out for 25 years, then tried to challenge the status quo, and then left. In your darkest days believe in that bottom line. You took your courage in your hands and did what you had to do. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you have to trust yourself. You are going to be alright. Believe me.
Mine was a 25 year marriage. And then I got to the stage where I felt I had had enough. Exhausted and near despair, I asked my husband for change, explaining that I was unhappy with the way some things were in our marriage. He was very very angry and said that if I wasn't happy, the door was open. Suggestions of marriage counselling were rebuffed. Further attempts at talking with him failed.
I had never seriously challenged him before. I had found his emotional absence so painful over the years because I felt dependent. Yet I also felt that he loved and needed me. So I took my very faltering courage in my hands and confronted him, in as gentle a way as I could. Maybe I could have done better. I don't know. His answer was to point to the door.
I couldn't tell him any truths about the way his behaviour was impacting on those around him because he wouldn't listen, preferring to blame me. I also couldn't back down as there were concrete, real and serious issues that needed to be addressed, stuff that I had effectively let him away with for years.
It's a very painful decision to try and make, to stay or to go. To stay, when there is no hope of any real change is as painful as making the decision to leave which I did. I struggle slowly to build a life for myself and it is by no means easy. I don't have the words to describe the upheaval and the hurt involved. I struggle every day with the painful feelings, especially with the anger, which I try very hard to channel - not always successfully - into worthwhile projects. I worry about my future and have to watch out for the regrets that get in the way. And I am frequently consumed by doubts and anxieties.
I need help to keep going. I know it's an old cliché, but I am still at the point where I feel his death would have been easier to deal with.
Answer
Of course your husband's death would be easier to handle. The decision to leave is always so fraught with doubts, that having the decision taken out of your hands has to be more attractive. It's not an old cliché. Pretty or not, that's how most people feel.
The indignity of not being loved is the hardest part to bear. You're absolutely right. It's painful to stay when there's no hope of change. And it's painful to go. After all, what you're trying to do is to put some value on yourself. But who believes in their own worth every minute of every day? When we're low, we wonder about the wisdom of our decision and a thousand thoughts clamour in our heads. Couldn't we have just shut up and put up? Couldn't we have created havoc, put our foot down, fought it out line by line? Couldn't we have been cleverer, wiser, more devious, more open, just different than we were? And basically the questions are the same, whether we stay or go. Except that when we stay, we're talking present tense, because we're still in their, taking the punishment.
Anger is often the hardest part. You're not alone in that. Maybe it helps to understand exactly why we're angry. First of all, it's a defence against grief. The pain of not being loved, of having someone so prepared to let you go, the lost dream, the tired review of all those years of effort and endeavour, the sense of waste, opportunities lost - all of that brings real grief. And our anger is a defence, a barrier against the danger of drowning in such sorrow. As a temporary measure such anger is fine, our mind's defence against the despair of defeat. Some day soon you'll be able to feel the grief, cry the tears, and let it rest.
There's also the rage of failing to penetrate an ex-husband's - or indeed an ex-wife's - defences. We all have such a need to be truly seen and heard. But isn't that the nub of the whole sorry mess? Loving someone is about seeing and hearing them. Not being seen or heard is the reason we leave. The speech is never delivered. The other person's ears are closed. That's what marital breakdown is all about. Of course you didn't get to tell your husband how he impacts on those around him. Of course you didn't get him to truly listen. If you had, you'd still be married, and happily so. That's the whole point.
Can I tell you what I think? I basically believe everybody makes the right decision for them. Well, that's everybody who has put in some effort, handled the pain, served their apprenticeship so to speak. I'm not talking irresponsibility here, or low frustration tolerance, or throwing in the towel too early. Since I'm starting to tie myself in knots, maybe I should be more specific: I think you made the right decision. You stuck it out for 25 years, then tried to challenge the status quo, and then left. In your darkest days believe in that bottom line. You took your courage in your hands and did what you had to do. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you have to trust yourself. You are going to be alright. Believe me.
My Wife Is Leaving Me
Question
My wife and I are the perfect couple. We've been married for 21 years and have two teenage daughters. We've never had financial problems and our sex life has always been good.
My wife recently went back to college and is planning a career beyond home-making. She recently shared with me that she is feeling 'off-kilter' because she wants to be independent - even if that means breaking ties with family and friends. She feels as though she has lived for others' expectations and is tired of it. She wants to live her own life. This appears to be without me.
There is no other man, although I suspect that she is enjoying the attention she's getting from colleagues at college and people she has met at the various activities she now has time for. She talks of wanting to change her whole persona. Should I be supportive, even if I suspect that I'll lose her eventually? Or do I fight to make her honour her commitment to me, even if she's unhappy? Or has she already mentally 'checked out' of the marriage?
Answer
I do have to stop you right there, don't I? You and your wife are not the perfect couple. No, I'm not nit-picking and I'm not being nasty. And yes, I do understand that there's no such thing as a perfect couple anyway. It still has to be said: You and your wife are a long way off from being perfect together. On the contrary, you're in trouble.
I know you were just trying to tell me about the good things. My concern is that you're stuck. Emotionally, anyway, you're in denial. Or else you're being unrealistically stoical. Or perhaps you believe that calmness is the only course. The point is, your quiet cool creates a totally false note. Unless, of course, you don't care. But then why would you write to me?
Your wife is painting a future without you. Maybe she's just day-dreaming. Or maybe she genuinely doesn't want you anymore. Maybe her feelings are short-term, born of the burst of exciting freedom she feels in her new life. Or perhaps she's signalling that she found you so far from the ideal couple, that she'll leave without a backward glance. Who on earth knows? I'm not sure even your wife does.
That's all decidedly beside the point anyway. The real issue is how you feel. At the moment you're entirely caught up with trying to work out some diplomatic response to your wife. In the process, you're denying that you're any kind of player in this game. And that, in turn, creates a false reality. Don't you get it? You're not only entitled to your feelings, you have a responsibility to be open about them. How can your wife know what she really wants, if she has no idea who she's dealing with, or what she might lose?
Look, right now your wife is acting as though you were some friend she's 'sharing' her thought with. She's behaving as though her decision will have no impact on you. She's denying the reality of your very existence. And it's you who is allowing that to happen. You listen like a sympathetic father confessor, rather than the man who is about to lose his life partner. You're actively encouraging your wife to ignore you.
By being so low-key, you're allowing your wife to believe that she's losing nothing. You are colluding in her assessment of her life so far - namely that it wasn't really her, it wasn't really real, it was something best forgotten, a nothingness. Well, maybe that's her assessment, but it is certainly not yours. From your perspective you were the perfect couple. You don't want to lose her. It will cause great pain and grief. Isn't that true? Then show her. Be passionate. Be grief-stricken. Be angry at her for acting as though you didn't exist. Be real.
Let me say all this another way. Your wife will make a choice. You cannot control that. But by being real about your feelings, you will show her what she's leaving behind. That's the only way you can fight for your marriage. Being tactical at a moment like this doesn't work. It only reinforces your wife's impression that her life was colourless until now. Go paint a different picture of your togetherness. It may not be enough, but it will be real.
My wife and I are the perfect couple. We've been married for 21 years and have two teenage daughters. We've never had financial problems and our sex life has always been good.
My wife recently went back to college and is planning a career beyond home-making. She recently shared with me that she is feeling 'off-kilter' because she wants to be independent - even if that means breaking ties with family and friends. She feels as though she has lived for others' expectations and is tired of it. She wants to live her own life. This appears to be without me.
There is no other man, although I suspect that she is enjoying the attention she's getting from colleagues at college and people she has met at the various activities she now has time for. She talks of wanting to change her whole persona. Should I be supportive, even if I suspect that I'll lose her eventually? Or do I fight to make her honour her commitment to me, even if she's unhappy? Or has she already mentally 'checked out' of the marriage?
Answer
I do have to stop you right there, don't I? You and your wife are not the perfect couple. No, I'm not nit-picking and I'm not being nasty. And yes, I do understand that there's no such thing as a perfect couple anyway. It still has to be said: You and your wife are a long way off from being perfect together. On the contrary, you're in trouble.
I know you were just trying to tell me about the good things. My concern is that you're stuck. Emotionally, anyway, you're in denial. Or else you're being unrealistically stoical. Or perhaps you believe that calmness is the only course. The point is, your quiet cool creates a totally false note. Unless, of course, you don't care. But then why would you write to me?
Your wife is painting a future without you. Maybe she's just day-dreaming. Or maybe she genuinely doesn't want you anymore. Maybe her feelings are short-term, born of the burst of exciting freedom she feels in her new life. Or perhaps she's signalling that she found you so far from the ideal couple, that she'll leave without a backward glance. Who on earth knows? I'm not sure even your wife does.
That's all decidedly beside the point anyway. The real issue is how you feel. At the moment you're entirely caught up with trying to work out some diplomatic response to your wife. In the process, you're denying that you're any kind of player in this game. And that, in turn, creates a false reality. Don't you get it? You're not only entitled to your feelings, you have a responsibility to be open about them. How can your wife know what she really wants, if she has no idea who she's dealing with, or what she might lose?
Look, right now your wife is acting as though you were some friend she's 'sharing' her thought with. She's behaving as though her decision will have no impact on you. She's denying the reality of your very existence. And it's you who is allowing that to happen. You listen like a sympathetic father confessor, rather than the man who is about to lose his life partner. You're actively encouraging your wife to ignore you.
By being so low-key, you're allowing your wife to believe that she's losing nothing. You are colluding in her assessment of her life so far - namely that it wasn't really her, it wasn't really real, it was something best forgotten, a nothingness. Well, maybe that's her assessment, but it is certainly not yours. From your perspective you were the perfect couple. You don't want to lose her. It will cause great pain and grief. Isn't that true? Then show her. Be passionate. Be grief-stricken. Be angry at her for acting as though you didn't exist. Be real.
Let me say all this another way. Your wife will make a choice. You cannot control that. But by being real about your feelings, you will show her what she's leaving behind. That's the only way you can fight for your marriage. Being tactical at a moment like this doesn't work. It only reinforces your wife's impression that her life was colourless until now. Go paint a different picture of your togetherness. It may not be enough, but it will be real.
I'm Bored With Marriage
Question
I got married three years ago. My husband was my first boyfriend, we met while in college ten years ago, and we were in love. After we graduated we worked hard at our careers, built a life together, made savvy financial decisions, secured our future. We learned to overcome challenges, fights, threats of break-up, and got married. We were happy we did that, although I felt it was more like a paper formality, since we were already living together. It all sounds so perfect doesn't it?
Since we got married, however, I've felt a kind of regret at losing my single status. Perhaps it's the responsibility of being married. I'm certainly not ready to move onto the next step of settling down and having children. I can't see myself as a mother. I love to work, want to achieve, and over the years have increasingly become career-minded. So much so that I neglect my husband as I find him incredibly boring. I feel I'm too self-centred to give up my freedom.
I've told my husband that I'm bored with married life and I don't know how long I can sustain being in this state of depressed confusion. He is a man of integrity, trustworthy, down-to-earth and driven to succeed, and he loves me. I've asked him for time to think this through. I think part of the problem is that we don't have enough in common. And we seem to be growing apart as we get older. I feel my husband deserves someone who can meet his needs. I'm only wasting his time. I do try to spend more time with him, but I feel myself losing interest. It's like I'd rather be somewhere else and this pains him.
I have such a strong urge to end this marriage to a man whom I initially thought was my soul-mate. I am painfully aware that getting out of the marriage will be the hardest thing to do. I care for my husband deeply, but no longer feel the strong interest and love I used to feel for him. All of this leaves me in a state of confusion and melancholy.
Answer
There are some situations which we just have to ride out. And I think yours is one of them. We're so focussed on finding solutions that we sometimes miss the point: Answers often manifest themselves.
You're not really just married three years. You've been together for ten. And all those years were a time of chasing goals, reaching life's landmarks, progress, looking forward. There wasn't any time for boredom, since nothing was settled. Yet boredom is an integral part of life, an integral part of any relationship, an issue we all have to surmount. In itself, it is nothing to be frightened of. And it certainly doesn't mean that a relationship is worthless. It's just a different kind of challenge.
On the other hand, we often don't look closely at who we have become when we're busy. And until now you've been very busy. It is entirely possible that the young couple who set out together ten years ago have changed. In fact, of course they have. The question is, have you changed to the point that you no longer fit together? That happens. Certainly the wish to have children is a pretty fundamental issue, bringing great grief if a couple don't share the same dream. Yet I don't hear you saying that your husband is pushing it. So perhaps you're just anticipating a problem which isn't actually there.
You are certainly restless. You are certainly taking stock. All I can say to you is that you shouldn't panic. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to solve this. Just try to stay kind and good and loving and very much in touch with your feelings. And wait and see what happens.
I got married three years ago. My husband was my first boyfriend, we met while in college ten years ago, and we were in love. After we graduated we worked hard at our careers, built a life together, made savvy financial decisions, secured our future. We learned to overcome challenges, fights, threats of break-up, and got married. We were happy we did that, although I felt it was more like a paper formality, since we were already living together. It all sounds so perfect doesn't it?
Since we got married, however, I've felt a kind of regret at losing my single status. Perhaps it's the responsibility of being married. I'm certainly not ready to move onto the next step of settling down and having children. I can't see myself as a mother. I love to work, want to achieve, and over the years have increasingly become career-minded. So much so that I neglect my husband as I find him incredibly boring. I feel I'm too self-centred to give up my freedom.
I've told my husband that I'm bored with married life and I don't know how long I can sustain being in this state of depressed confusion. He is a man of integrity, trustworthy, down-to-earth and driven to succeed, and he loves me. I've asked him for time to think this through. I think part of the problem is that we don't have enough in common. And we seem to be growing apart as we get older. I feel my husband deserves someone who can meet his needs. I'm only wasting his time. I do try to spend more time with him, but I feel myself losing interest. It's like I'd rather be somewhere else and this pains him.
I have such a strong urge to end this marriage to a man whom I initially thought was my soul-mate. I am painfully aware that getting out of the marriage will be the hardest thing to do. I care for my husband deeply, but no longer feel the strong interest and love I used to feel for him. All of this leaves me in a state of confusion and melancholy.
Answer
There are some situations which we just have to ride out. And I think yours is one of them. We're so focussed on finding solutions that we sometimes miss the point: Answers often manifest themselves.
You're not really just married three years. You've been together for ten. And all those years were a time of chasing goals, reaching life's landmarks, progress, looking forward. There wasn't any time for boredom, since nothing was settled. Yet boredom is an integral part of life, an integral part of any relationship, an issue we all have to surmount. In itself, it is nothing to be frightened of. And it certainly doesn't mean that a relationship is worthless. It's just a different kind of challenge.
On the other hand, we often don't look closely at who we have become when we're busy. And until now you've been very busy. It is entirely possible that the young couple who set out together ten years ago have changed. In fact, of course they have. The question is, have you changed to the point that you no longer fit together? That happens. Certainly the wish to have children is a pretty fundamental issue, bringing great grief if a couple don't share the same dream. Yet I don't hear you saying that your husband is pushing it. So perhaps you're just anticipating a problem which isn't actually there.
You are certainly restless. You are certainly taking stock. All I can say to you is that you shouldn't panic. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to solve this. Just try to stay kind and good and loving and very much in touch with your feelings. And wait and see what happens.
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